There are things in life that some people can do. There are things in life that some people just cannot do. For me, the thing I can do is school. I will be a forever scholar; forever learning new and better nuggets of knowledge. As for the cannot do, well…I can’t do relationships. I’ve tried and tried again and yet I still end up single within 3 months of starting the relationship. Within the last 10 months, I have gone through 4 relationships. James and I ended in April. Bri and Katy lasted the month of May. Zach lasted 3 1/2 weeks and Sarah lasted 5 weeks.
All of them had me in tears at some point or another. I hate crying and I have cried more in the last 10 months than I have in many other years combined. I hate giving my heart to someone with the hopes that they will take care of it and in the end, they just throw it down and grind the heel of their foot into it. I’m tired. So very tired. And I’m tired of people telling me, “Simone, you’re young. You’ll find someone one day. Just keep looking.” Please note, this advice is coming from people who are in secure long-term relationships. It’s so easy for them to say that; they’ve found their special someone!
I’m starting to truly think that I’m not meant to have someone as a forever partner. It’s either be in a relationship with someone I don’t love or stay alone forever. I think I’m going to work on trying to be completely ok with being single for the rest of my life. I just told Matthew the other day that I think I’m meant to be single with temporary lovers thrown in here and there. He thinks that’s not true but the more I try to succeed in a relationship, the more the universe shows me that it’s just not to become a reality for me.
The reason I titled this Karmic Irony is because this last relationship is almost exactly my relationship with James. The difference this time around is I’m the James (the pursuer who is wanting a deep and long lasting relationship) and Sarah is the Simone (the distancer who has very little relationship experience who is about to embark on a better and more exciting part of her life and is unsure she wants to tie herself down to someone). Sarah made it clear that she does not want to let me into her heart and will not trust me fully. She wanted me physically but had no desire to get emotionally intimate. She pushed me away any time she dealt with emotional issues and ran to other people but never to me. I practiced patience, forgiveness, and compassion with her whenever she pushed me away and made me angry and cry.
But now…now the one time I piss her off, she throws in the towel. She’s going about it the exact same way I used to: Demand for space and time to think and then in about a week, she will finally contact me to let me know that, if it wasn’t already obvious, she wanted to end things between us. This is crushing to me because I opened up to her in ways that I never would have had I known she didn’t want me after all. I would have kept us as just friends and saved myself the hurt. Karma came back around and bit me in the arse and I admit, I deserve it. I was so awful to many of my ex’s. I needed to get a taste of my own medicine so that I can change my ways and stop hurting others.
I know that realizing how bad of a person I am isn’t enough to show that I have learned and will work on changing my ways. I have to truly believe it in my heart of hearts and reflect on how my behavior has really hurt good people and changed them. I think I’m going to write my ex’s apologizing for how awful of a human being I was. Once that’s done, I think I’ll just lay low until the new year and just start anew; start fresh. It’s been made clear that who I am is not someone anyone wants to spend long term with and I need to figure out where I keep going wrong. Every time I think I’ve got it, I find out that I really do not.
I will try not to let this latest break up get me down too much. I will probably cry one more time or two and I’ll give myself my usual three days to mourn the loss of this relationship and potentially a friendship. Then I will wipe my tears, brush myself off, hold my head high and keep on keeping on. The true Monie D way. Ciao.
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*C’est la vie*
I want to talk to you but I don’t know why. I told you I needed space and time away from you right now. But here it is, our usual time to talk online and you’re not there…and a part of me wants you there. You’ve kind of become a sort of security blanket. I can’t allow myself to depend on you. I just can’t. Dad raised me to be independent. I can anything I want all on my own.
Pull yourself together, Simone. You’re just having a moment of weakness. Think about what he said. Think about his actions. Think about why you’re in this position in the first place. It’s real easy to fall back into how things were except for the fact that you weren’t happy with how things were. You want change. Make your demands, have some kind of compromise if necessary and come to an agreement. If he’s not willing to do any of that, then drastic changes need to happen. Remember, you need to look out for you and only you. He’s a grown up; he can take care of himself should the need arise.
Be strong, girl. Take this time to really make him think about this whole situation. Take this time for yourself as well. Think hard about what you want; do you still want to be in this relationship that hasn’t exactly changed in the last 6 months? Do you think you can handle morphing a grown man into a mature adult like he’s supposed to be? Can you bear knowing that he looks down on you for your past and silently judges you without even knowing it? Are these things that you can juggle in your already ridiculously busy life? Don’t make any snap decisions. Let this all sink in and then make a well thought out decision.
Overall, take care of Simone. The last thing you need is a nervous break down while in the middle of a life transition. Just think about it, ok? Ciao.
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*Temporary pain is well worth a lifetime of misery.*
…and you’ll get mad at me for it but I’m in a no nonsense kind of mood today and sparing someone’s feelings for the sake of being nice is not on my agenda.
I haven’t had to post on you, dear friend, in quite some time. But alas, my life has made a weird turn and I’m unsure of how to handle things.
Today marks 4 months since M and I became an official couple; we’re Facebook official, I met his mom (we’re friends on Facebook), his dad wrote me a snail mail letter, his grandpa is trying to list me as a relative on Facebook, I drive M’s car that he pays for, I’m on his insurance…that he pays for…dear God we sound like a married couple!
This is where the problems arise. I don’t enjoy being a settled down couple. I usually don’t enjoy being a committed couple period but I do what I can to please others. M brought it to my attention tonight that it is our 4th montheversary. *Sidenote: I use montheversary because the Latin prefix anni- means yearly. I fight back urges to smack people in the eye whenever I hear “Happy 5 month anniversary!”* Technically, according to most people’s standards, we are legitimately in a relationship once you surpass 3 months. A tiny part of me died a little. It’s not that I don’t like M. I think he’s the bee’s knees, however I feel we moved at lightening speed and I was no prepared for that at all. We were saying the three worded phrase that most people say after about 6 months, before we ever were in a relationship.
See what I mean? I had him pump the breaks a few weeks ago by asking him to not say it anymore because it made me feel uncomfortable and I asked him not to send me throngs of text messages and instant messages professing his undying love for me. It’s creepy, it’s horribly unrealistic, and it’s right off an ole block o’ cheese. I was never the romantic chick flick watching type. I’m realistic. I don’t read gross softcore porn romance novels. I don’t hype myself up for a Prince Charming with ridiculous qualities that one will never find completely in ONE man (Let’s be honest, some of the qualities of the “perfect man” and qualities found largely in women. Just sayin). I don’t need to be rescued; I’m too independent. I need M to come to grips with the fact that I was raised to never NEED a man. I will only ever want him around. If he decided to up and leave me, I would be hurt but, like with everything else in my life, I get over it. The moment my dad left me forever was the day I said goodbye to depending on any man ever. I understand it wasn’t entirely my dad’s fault however, he could have taken better care of himself for the sake of his family. When he died, I vowed to never rely on a man ever again because the predicament he put my mom and I in after that was shattering.
I don’t want to get married. I have my reasons but the main ones are: 1) I am and always have been commitment phobic, 2) I’m too independent, too selfish, and too involved with my own life and pushing myself forward to even dare think about putting someone ahead of myself or my education, and 3) even if I were to get married, I have no one to walk me down the aisle. I know that last one sounds utterly ridiculous but…dad promised me he would live to see me graduate high school and to walk me down the aisle. After my dad passed, my Granddaddy stepped up and told me that, even though he has stopped bothering with weddings, he would be honored to walk me down the aisle. Grand daddy died in July 2011. So you see, as trivial as these things may seem to outsiders, those promises meant a lot to me and now they’re just thrown into the pile of all the other broken promises by ex-lovers. I don’t think I want to be bothered with empty promises, lies, and prettily embellished words in the hopes of changing who I am and what my views are.
Here’s another reason I don’t want to get married: Marriage means sex with my husband. Nothing makes me cringe more than knowing I will HAVE to have vaginal intercourse with a man. I just finished a research paper on why I am the way I am (It has to do with Jack being my first and creating a negative sexual schema within me. Family Studies jargon…*yawn!*) but I have no desire or sexual drive to be penetrated by another man. I’ve always felt this way but, if I never have sex again, that will be just fine by me.
Now, how the hell do I tell all of this to M without breaking his heart and having him call everything off? Tonight I decided to reiterate my lack of want with marriage. I was blunt. His response was essentially, “We’re young. We have time.” What I heard was, “I’ll get you to change your mind.” The response within me from interpreting that? “Challenge accepted.” I’m sure he was saying that to bring it to my attention that we are only at 4 months however I didn’t think it would be fair to tell him something as important as this a year down the road when he’s REALLY thinking marriage.
So here I sit, drinking a beer at 1:20am on a Tuesday. The fuck am I doing with my life? School has been my one and only constant for the last 18 almost 19 years. I will not give it up for anyone (except mom). I don’t want to plan a wedding while in school, I don’t want to manage a marriage while in school, I don’t want in-laws bugging me about grand babies while I’m in school, and I don’t want a husband that I have to take care of while I’m in school. That there is a dilemma that I am unsure of how to handle. I will be emailing my therapist in the morning…and my mom.
Thanks for listening. I guess I really needed to vent. Talk to ya later. Ciao!
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*Take me away, a secret place There’s a place that I go that nobody knows
A sweet escape, take me away Where the rivers flow and I call it home
Take me away, to better days And there’s no more lies,
Take me away, a hiding place In the darkness there’s light
And nobody cries, there’s only butterflies*
some simple pansexual pride images,
I Love these!
new desktop background found!
oh, and you should all follow Lily :) She’s awesome!
So I recently started talking to someone new. Her name is Angela and she is a dyke. At first, she was hell bent on not wanting a relationship because she is graduating in December and not sure where she is going or what she’ll be doing. All she knows is that she is moving after finals week and vacationing in Los Angeles with a friend. I was ok with just liking her and was not pressuring her into anything. She was making all the steps forward herself. She started reciprocating the feelings and was telling people we were dating. And then out of nowhere, she has started to avoid me. She is now too busy to hang out. She asked me out on a date then canceled it without ever rescheduling it. I heard from her best friend that she likes me but she just doesn’t know what she wants. She knows I’m the kind of person who, if we were to start dating, she would settle down but she’s not ready for that. But at the same time, she doesn’t want to let me go. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Sound familiar? It’s Hannah all over again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why do I get people who want me but…later on in life? Why am I not good enough for people to want me now? And I guarantee you the next girl she dates will be someone she is with for the long haul. That’s just how it is when people date me. I’m so sick of this trend. Where is my Mr(s). Right? I can’t even get a Mr(s). Right Now, for crying out loud. Is is so hard to ask for someone who actually cares about me and wants to be with me?
*Sigh* I shouldn’t fret about that. I guess I’m more worried about this trend, this cycle I’m in with lovers. I hope this doesn’t continue. I’ll keep trying to see red flags in my future endeavors, but for now, I need to concentrate on school and putting Angela back into the friend zone. No use being upset over someone who doesn’t know what they want and refuses to give me enough respect to let me go. Denise Mead said I deserve someone who knows what they want and that is me. So I continue to wait. Until then, I plan my vacations out of Kansas. Thanks for listening. Ciao!
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*Rumor has it you don’t want my love anymore*
There are people in this world who are weaker than you and know they are weaker. I don’t mean physically. There are those who are physically stronger yet are mentally, emotionally and/or psychologically weaker. Weak minded people get jealous of others’ strength and will try to bring others down to their levels. My friends, do not let that happen. Use their anger towards you as a fire under you to continue to do better for yourself and others. The road will get tougher if the weak band together against you. There will be times when you feel your back is to the ropes, there is no one behind you to help, and there is a lynch mob advancing toward you. Keep pressing on. Never give up and never let someone tell you who you should be or shouldn’t be.
Today I posted a status asking who would like to hang out with me on my birthday tomorrow. I posted that because the plans I originally had completely fell through this morning. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I wrote that to see if there were people in town available to hang out. I later received an email to my personal email saying the following:
”You wanna know why you’re alone on your birthday? Bc nobody fuckin likes you, that’s why. You deserve to be alone bc you’re a mean bitch who talks too much. Leave Manhattan. No one wants you here anyway.”
Someone else also said to me, “Simone, you are quite frankly the most egocentric and flagrantly rude person I have ever had the displeasure of encountering.”
If I were in tune with my emotions, I probably would have cried. I did give them an eyebrow raise but that’s about how much emotion I put into these comments. It’s things like that that make me work that much harder. I must be doing something right because I’m pissing off a lot of people. I know I was not placed on this earth to make people happy. I am far from a people pleaser. I’m here to make people think. The quotation by Don Marquis plays perfectly for me in this situation: “If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; But if you really make them think, they’ll hate you.” I know who I am, I know what I do. I’m not welcome in Kansas because of my different mindset but you know what? I’m not changing and I’m not leaving until God says my time is up here.
If someone doesn’t like you for who you are, thank them for seeing you. As the quotation goes, I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Be strong and stay strong my friends. You never know who you are a pillar of strength for. I have a lot of people I look up to and get inspiration from and they’ll never know it…Mucho amor y Ciao!
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
I posted this originally on xanga tonight but I felt it was worth posting on here as well…
The following is a conversation I was having with Tyrone. I had just read through some old posts on xanga from March and my recent ones after that on tumblr. This is what we said:
wow…I seriously need help. I’m reading through old posts on both sites I write on and the have gotten so progressively worseHow so?Just with the shit I’ve been through/allowed myself to go through and how I dealt with them emotionally. I’m a wreck. How did I spiral downhill so quickly? I’m not the strong person I used to be. I need to hurry and get out of Kansas before it kills me. It’s not the state…but the state of mind. It could have happened anywhere. You may have spiraled, but have thou thought about taking a new approach to what you go through? Sometimes you’re faced with the same test because you try the same thing you’ve doing to solve the problem hoping for new resultsHere’s been the theme to all of my blogs since about March? maybe even earlier. I’m still reading….People tell me how amazing and wonderful and talented and awesome and beautilful, etc etc keep inserting painted words that are hidden lies…and then, these people disappear or show me through their actions that in reality, I’m not worth it to them.Jordan flat out told me I wasn’t worth it. James said I’m too much. 3 more people since then have spoken the absolute most beautiful words to me and then prove to me with their actions that I’m not worth shit to them. It’s starting to kill me because I’d truly like to believe that I am worthy of someone’s time and appreciation and hell who knows…their heart. But each and every time I am shown that I’m not. And as much as I’d like to just up and change how these scenarios go, I can’t because they’ve all been different. The only thing left to do is stop believing people when they try to tell me these things because I have to convince myself that they’re just going to disappear and find someone else just like the rest. But I can’t let myself live like that. I don’t want to be a bitter miserable love-less wench. I truly have to believe that someone out there is really compatible with me and will one day want me for me. Yea for the time being I’m going to have to believe that that person just does not exist in order to save what little I have left of a heart, but that really sucks. You don’t have to believe that…that’s how you harden your heart and if you keep it hard, it may not come down when the opportunity is rightMy problem is that I don’t just like anyone. It takes a certain kind of person to stir my like strings and I get too worked up over the possibility of having a crush on someone because I really need to know that I’ve not lost all hope in feeling for someone. But after this last failed attempt, I really think I’ve lost all hope in feeling genuine, true feelings for another in the way that I wish to be liked.
And so, to end this post, I told Tyrone that I give up on trying to date in Manhattan. Everyone is someone else I know’s ex, no one wants a monogamous exclusive relationship, this town is too small, and people just want temporary gratification at the expense of someone else also known as no strings attached sex and dating around. My soul can’t keep in tune with that song and dance. Dating is pointless since I have 3 semesters left and no one can see my awesomeness anyway. They’re blinded by what they can get their hands on right now versus waiting patiently for such brilliance such as myself. I’m a diamond in the rough It just sucks that people here can only see my unpleasant, unattractive, coal exterior. *sigh* Thank you once again for listening. I’m off to do something other than this now. I should go to bed but I’m wide awake for no reason. Ciao!
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*I need a man that thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong tonight, yea baby! Tonight, yea baby!*
Hung out with the Illustrious Tracy last night. We talked about relationships and how we dealt with horrible lovers in the past. Then we got on the topic of me and Hannah and I explained how Hannah continually strings me along then at the end of it all tells me she doesn’t want me. Then she’ll go and talk to other people, knowing it will get back to me. I know Hannah is in love with her roommate Becky and Becky knows it and uses it to take advantage of how Hannah will do anything for her. And now she’s trickling that on down to me.
Tracy says that this is emotional abuse and inadvertently will be sexual and physical abuse because I won’t be able to get intimate with anyone else due to this. She thinks my lack luster sex life and disdain towards sex has a lot to do with this and with the nonsense Jack put me through. She doesn’t want me living with Hannah next year along with a number of other people. I don’t know what to do about my situation. I can either fight it and just deal with it for a year and then be done with her for good, or I can try to leave and attempt to avoid her for a year until she leaves. Please note, the latter would be the most difficult to conduct but the better deal for my emotional health.
*Sigh* I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll try to see the positive in all of this and see that living with her will help me in not dating anyone for a year. I could never bring someone home because I wouldn’t want to see her bringing someone home and I couldn’t very well always be gone at a lover’s place because I would know if she were always gone, I’d know where. I’m just going to make myself so intentionally busy that the only reasons I should be home is to shit, shower, and shave, and even those I can do on campus in some way. I guess mainly to sleep and store all of my crap, really. I can become emotionally detached from Hannah if I really put my mind to it. I just hope I can figure out a way to do it without being a complete ass to her and/or reverting to just flat out ignoring her existence completely. But, she’s doing what she needs to do to take care of only her and in the process is hurting me so why should I spare her feelings anymore?
I pray mom was correct in saying I’ll meet my compatible partner in November. It’ll sure make things a lot easier, that’s for sure. Anywho, I need to shower and get outta here to meet Denise and her girlfriend at Ihop. Thanks for listening. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to blog about my happiness. Hopefully. :) Ciao!
Love Alwayz and Forever: Simone Dorsey
*Every time I reach out my fingers, it feels like more than distance between us*
Reuben Tucker, aka Granddaddy, passed away last night around 9:30pm Western time. He was a stern father but a gentle and loving grandfather. He and I were as thick as thieves and I love him dearly. He was showing me how he was figuring out the Tucker family tree and wanted me to continue it, but I never got the chance to learn how he was doing it. He was a member of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. when it was still a legitimate Greek organization, nothing like what it is depicted as today. He was a mason and built up many a wall and structure in his day. He helped raise 5 wonderful children, his favorite being my once quiet mother. He dubbed me his favorite grandchild and it was only an added bonus that I was the daughter of the favorite child. :) He was a fountain of stories and had a laugh that dominated all other laughs. He was always a “happy dude” and he will be missed. His spirit definitely lives on in his wife, Francis, all of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He was a wonderful man that the world lost but is now an amazing angel that Heaven received on July 7, 2011. Rest in peace, Granddaddy and high five my pops for me. I love you.
Love Alwayz and Forver: Simone Dorsey
*Another shot before we kiss the other side. I’m on the edge of something final we call life tonight.*
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